it is…:/ on We Heart It.
I loved a boy, as much as anyone could love, I think I surpassed that level. I really couldn’t ever put into words, or express how I felt for this guy, and i don’t think he ever truly understood the amount of love I had for him. It was deep, a type of feeling I had never experienced before in my life, until I met him at the age of 15. Yes I was young, but what i felt was real. I saved that part of me for him, he was the first and only guy in the world to ever know what it was like to receive love from me, and when i love I love hard, i put my everything into him. I loved this boy for 5 years, i went from loving a boy to loving a man. I got to grow with him, learn his insecurities, learn his strengths, learn his fears, his weaknesses, his passions, goals, dreams. We did long distance for 4 out of the almost 5 years of dating, due to him joining the military to better himself because he didn’t come from much, but that’s what i loved about him, didn’t come from much at all yet so determined to change that, i admired him. I’ll always remember the expression on his face when he graduated from boot camp and got to hug his mom, his sister, his dad. But what will forever be engrained in my mind before i fall asleep at night is his how he looked at me after not seeing each other for months, how his hands felt sliding around my waist grasping my back and holding me close, the feeling of his shoulders falling down and his warm breath expiring from his tight chest into my hair, the feeling of him…feeling at home. And in that moment i knew i wanted to be with this man for the rest of my life, because even though i flew hundreds of miles away from home to be there, i didn’t feel far away from home at all, you were my home. I went to college and you got stationed in multiple states. I stayed in on nights that my friends went out because face timing with you was better than any night out. I skipped out on multiple trips with friends over spring break to save money to fly to you. I counted down the days for you to return home every time you had to leave, i counted down the days when our lips would be able to touch again, when my fingertips would be able to graze your handsome face, when i could hear your contagious laugh, when id be able to look into those deep, dark, soulful eyes again. But there was one night you decided to drink…. a night you decided that I wasn’t important, that WE weren’t and everything we worked for wasn’t important. A night that broke not only my trust, not only my heart, but our relationship. But i forgave you, almost instantly even though everything inside me was crumbling to pieces, the words “i forgive you” came out of my mouth within the same minutes of me even finding out. I wanted US so badly, i wanted it to be me and you. Even though i was advised to take a break from you, “The world may disapprove, but my world is only you”. I wasn’t caring about my self value, or what i deserved and what i didn’t, all i cared about was keeping you around and keeping us alive. Now i regret what i did, i regret forgiving you. Because as a new sunny morning started each day, it was always dark inside of me. I felt insecure, broken, “what did i do wrong for him to do the?t” , “how can i be a better girlfriend so he doesn’t do that again?”, “why did he do that?”, “did he think of me at all, did i not cross his mind AT ALL even though she has the same name as me?”….. “will he do it again?” . For a year i struggled with my on thoughts, i tried so hard to move past it, but it always found a way to resurface. And while i struggled with that, i always struggled with the fact that you wanted to do 20 years in the military and have me follow you. While i was proud of your determination and goals, i myself had dreams i wanted to see come alive. I constantly tried to find a way to meet in the middle and make sure that we both achieved what we wanted to, but nothing seemed good enough. “It’s all or nothing” you stated. My goals weren’t important enough for you to try and compromise. Me not wanting to give up on my goals and not following you was a sign that i didn’t love you…… but i loved you so fucking much. I one day realized how important my goals were to me…. i one day realized MY VALUE. I now finally know what i deserved in the past, how special i am, what i bring to the table. I deserve a man that cherishes me everyday, as i will cherish him. Even though we separated by my choice, my world still fell apart. Every night i cried, every night i read our letters, the highlighted bible verses, i hugged that teddy bear tighter than i ever have before, I gazed at our picture frames endlessly, even though i was the one that left, i still suffered for days. And yet, you went out and made sure people on social media knew it. boat rides with girls, night clubs with girls, country concert with…girls. It was made clear to me. After saying no to multiple dates from multiple guys, i said yes to one. I moved on, and not too quickly either. I waited, i grieved, i felt pain. But i saw you living and moving on so i did the same. it was always you, i always put you before anyone else. You were my best friend, you were my man, my Manny. But a man, my man, who claimed to love me, wouldn’t have hurt me the way that you did.
“Running low on expectation, every siren that i was ignoring, I’m paying for it. Loving you was young, and wild, and free. Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet. Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound, a steady place to let down my defenses….But loving you had consequences.”
I will always love you,pretty much until i die. But i’ve learned to value myself and i deserve to be treated better than i was. I don’t think ill ever love anyone like i did you, but i do hope i can feel something remotely close to it one day….and i wish happiness for you as well. I hope one day you can love a girl as much as i loved you and treat her like the man i know you’re capable of being, treat her like your Queen.
Don’t forget me
love always,
P
9.02.13
my blog will make you horny ;)
Kiss my forehead, make me feel safe and protected in your arms, you got me.
although I enjoy a lot of positions, this one has to be one of my favorites. So much connection, I love it.
If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, instead focus on living fully in the present.